Late night brain shenanigans.

I hate my brain right now.

It's 1:53am and I now find myself stretched out on my living room couch...typing.

Sleep sounded like the responsible thing to do. It actually sounds really nice right now.

But apparently, sleep is for the cool kids.

I blame the dog.

And the husband.


It started with him getting home late from basketball...and taking a shower. After I was already asleep. This meant the bathroom light needed to go on. The same light that runs parallel to my line of sight from bed.

This said light then cued the already anxious and overly panting dog to come lay by the open door in my room in last ditch efforts to get away from the sound of rain coming down. I still don't know if the excessive panting was from her seriously not understanding what the sound of rain is (hello CA drought) OR the humidity from said rain making the house rather warm in areas.

So I found myself wide awake, laying in bed, listening to sounds that had their own speaker setting in my head. Dog panting. Husband snoring. Fan. Rain.

--> Cue crazy 1:30am thoughts I had before succumbing to the hard reality that sleep was not coming anytime soon.

- Is the boy's fan set to an OK speed or are they going to get too cold?
- I wonder what time it is.
- I think I may be kinda hungry.
- Even if I was hungry, there is NOTHING that I would want to eat.
- Only 1 day in to my eating healthy for July strategy and already I am going bananas.
- I wonder if Costco still has blueberries?
- What sort of vegetables could I convince the boys to try in their lunches next week?
- I can't forget to add that note on my calendar for Friday about saving seats for the parade on Saturday.
- I should periscope while I am saving seats cause really, that's crazy talk that seats need to be saved on Friday for a parade on Saturday.
- Periscope is awesome and stupid all at the same time. I wonder who else I can follow...
- Is it raining harder?
- Shoot. I left washed clothes sitting in the wash. Maybe I'll have time in the morning to transfer those...
- Did the Husband turn off the A/C? Cause it's getting really muggy...
- I'm surprised I don't hear the neighbors dogs barking!
- I really should get to know my neighbors more.
- I wonder what time it is.
- This dog is going to be the death of me. Her panting is literally echoing in my HEAD. Should I put on her Thunder Shirt or is she just hot?
- When is the flippin A/C going to turn on?!
- I wonder if G has peed out of his nighttime diaper yet.
- Ugh. I CAN'T just transfer those clothes in the wash to the dryer in the morning. The dryer is FULL too. Did I turn that on?
I think so.
I hope so.
- Not having vanilla creamer in the morning does not make my coffee sound as good.
- Maybe tomorrow I can get some reading time in.
- Tomorrow I can't forget to bring the drink cups to the fair!
- FINALLY. The A/C kicked on. Now at least I can't hear the dog panting.

It was then I realized that even though the dog's panting was no longer keeping me awake, my brain was. And here I am. 2:15am and staring at a screen.

Maybe I'll try that sleep thing again. 6am is going to come really fast.


Non-amputated toes, flowers, coffee. Sounds like 30 to me!

How you know it's been a great 30th birthday:

- The doctor tells you he does NOT have to amputate your almost 2 year old's toe. Oh the joys of hand, foot and mouth.
- You come home to flowers on your front porch *LOVE*
- You are surrounded with birthday love thanks to FB and Instagram
- You pop some Advil cause you realize you slept wrong last night while silently raising your fist to this whole "getting older" thing
- You devour an awesome lunch at California Pizza Kitchen with your 3 favorite guys
- You get to take a nap while TWO children are sleeping/quiet
- You purchase the LAST drink en route to get your Starbucks gold card openly admitting that you have a "thing" for the mermaid lady's coffee
- You have dinner delivered to you by one amazing bro/sis-in-law with the cutest niece ever
- Your husband and boys sing Happy Birthday to you and then proceed to spit all over your cake in efforts to "help" you blow out your candles
- You have to send one boy to time out for throwing a baseball at the other boy's head
- You walk around the house eyeing flowers, a birthday balloon and cards from so many people that you love
- Your DVR calls to you finally offering TV worth watching thanks to Fall being right around the corner!!!

30? Cheers to you. It's gonna be a good year.



It's been 3 years. Today. 

I remember in the very first days, my prayer was that the physical pain would go away. When the tidal wave of grief would come, it felt like I was suffocating. I had no control. I could do nothing but sink into the wave...and cry. There was nothing I could say or do or think that would make things better. 

I had to let time continue moving.

I remember after a few weeks had gone by, my prayer was that I wouldn't think about her the moment I woke up. It was so incredibly hard to see nothing but her sweet face, her blue eyes, white hair and that amazing purple cowboy hat that she wore everyday to work as the very first image in my mind before I even opened my eyes. Again...there was nothing that I could physically do to make things better.

Just let time continue moving.

It's been three years since I received the phone call that my grandma had died. I was told that she was not alone when she died...and that she was not in any pain having made it to the hospital in time. I was told that the brain aneurism could not have been predicted and there was nothing that could have been done. 

She had been getting ready for work (she sold solar panels at Friedman's); Prepping her lunchbox, curling her hair and making sure that she had as much purple clothing on as possible. She had already watered her amazing garden, spoke to Jesus (probably reminding him that the 49er's needed to win) and  had read her horoscope. She was 87. And she was gone.

I was so confused. I had a trip all planned to see her in a few weeks. We had so much to catch up on. 

Since I was a little girl, my grandma Uffda was everything to me. She and I would spend time every summer together, every holiday together. She would spend hours teaching me how to make apple pie, how to sew, how to plant a garden (even though she finally admitted that I did not have her green thumb), how to speak my mind and how to be independent. She lived a life that was full of adventure, love, heartache, endurance, patience and family. 

It's been 3 years and I miss her everyday. The waves are less but the scars are still there. The grief is an uphill battle and I know I am not done. 

Today is a hard day. My heart hurts. 

She was a beautiful woman and I know she is even more beautiful now. I jump at the day when I get to see her again and I know without a doubt that she is proud of me. She was always proud of me. 

And I will always be proud of her.