Non-amputated toes, flowers, coffee. Sounds like 30 to me!

How you know it's been a great 30th birthday:

- The doctor tells you he does NOT have to amputate your almost 2 year old's toe. Oh the joys of hand, foot and mouth.
- You come home to flowers on your front porch *LOVE*
- You are surrounded with birthday love thanks to FB and Instagram
- You pop some Advil cause you realize you slept wrong last night while silently raising your fist to this whole "getting older" thing
- You devour an awesome lunch at California Pizza Kitchen with your 3 favorite guys
- You get to take a nap while TWO children are sleeping/quiet
- You purchase the LAST drink en route to get your Starbucks gold card openly admitting that you have a "thing" for the mermaid lady's coffee
- You have dinner delivered to you by one amazing bro/sis-in-law with the cutest niece ever
- Your husband and boys sing Happy Birthday to you and then proceed to spit all over your cake in efforts to "help" you blow out your candles
- You have to send one boy to time out for throwing a baseball at the other boy's head
- You walk around the house eyeing flowers, a birthday balloon and cards from so many people that you love
- Your DVR calls to you finally offering TV worth watching thanks to Fall being right around the corner!!!

30? Cheers to you. It's gonna be a good year.



It's been 3 years. Today. 

I remember in the very first days, my prayer was that the physical pain would go away. When the tidal wave of grief would come, it felt like I was suffocating. I had no control. I could do nothing but sink into the wave...and cry. There was nothing I could say or do or think that would make things better. 

I had to let time continue moving.

I remember after a few weeks had gone by, my prayer was that I wouldn't think about her the moment I woke up. It was so incredibly hard to see nothing but her sweet face, her blue eyes, white hair and that amazing purple cowboy hat that she wore everyday to work as the very first image in my mind before I even opened my eyes. Again...there was nothing that I could physically do to make things better.

Just let time continue moving.

It's been three years since I received the phone call that my grandma had died. I was told that she was not alone when she died...and that she was not in any pain having made it to the hospital in time. I was told that the brain aneurism could not have been predicted and there was nothing that could have been done. 

She had been getting ready for work (she sold solar panels at Friedman's); Prepping her lunchbox, curling her hair and making sure that she had as much purple clothing on as possible. She had already watered her amazing garden, spoke to Jesus (probably reminding him that the 49er's needed to win) and  had read her horoscope. She was 87. And she was gone.

I was so confused. I had a trip all planned to see her in a few weeks. We had so much to catch up on. 

Since I was a little girl, my grandma Uffda was everything to me. She and I would spend time every summer together, every holiday together. She would spend hours teaching me how to make apple pie, how to sew, how to plant a garden (even though she finally admitted that I did not have her green thumb), how to speak my mind and how to be independent. She lived a life that was full of adventure, love, heartache, endurance, patience and family. 

It's been 3 years and I miss her everyday. The waves are less but the scars are still there. The grief is an uphill battle and I know I am not done. 

Today is a hard day. My heart hurts. 

She was a beautiful woman and I know she is even more beautiful now. I jump at the day when I get to see her again and I know without a doubt that she is proud of me. She was always proud of me. 

And I will always be proud of her. 


That one hour...

There are days when I could just kick myself for being too scheduled. I know, I know...sounds like a personal problem... But geez. Schedules and me go way back. My brain is wired to think in the form of calendars and flowcharts and diagrams and LISTS. Oh the lists.

Packing a family of 4 for Disneyland...
Having kids was an invitation to go all crazy planner mom mode. My mother in law can testify to the detailed plans that come out of this brain whenever my kids are away from me overnight. Do I care if  the schedules are broken? Suprisingly no! Did I just take myself off of your "crazy mom" list with that one???

It's true! Just because I create them doesn't mean what is planned is locked in stone. HOWEVER. Without the plans, I sort of curl up in the fetal position and bounce around like a pinball UNTIL I put the plan in writing or at least map things out mentally. There is a higher risk level when a plan is not thought through in my head...someone might die. 

But I feel that I am getting better at finding that balance. Because isn't that what momhood is all about? Finding balance in the midst of sheer chaos???

Yesterday was one of those days that I took a deep breath and just went with the day. 

Uncle M is getting married this weekend and with both munchkins playing the awesomely cute role of ring-bearers, it was time for some much needed haircuts! Working full time didn't allow me to schedule anything earlier than 5:15pm for their time slots and after they both sat still for an AMAZINGLY long time for a 4 year old and a 1 year old...a treat was in order. Especially since no one panicked, yelled or bled. We weren't without tears but that was just a brief window.

The best treat on an 85 degree day in CA is for SURE ice cream. So even though it was dinner time (now 6:15) and they both needed baths before bed, I pulled out the stroller from the back of the car instead of buckling up seat belts. We walked over to the drive-thru dairy which has the most awesome soft-serve and took 15 minutes out of our day to talk about fire trucks, birds, poop and the green lantern. And we laughed.

Did we have dinner at 7:00? Yes. Did both boys get bathed at 8:00? Yes. Did both boys go to bed WAY past their bedtime? Yes. Was it a mom-victory hour? Definitely.